If You Said I love you
by Trunk'sfallenAngel
Summary: I don't know why he does this to me. Violate me then leave me broken crying and hating myself.Then again why would he care? I'm his toy. Nothing more and nothing less. He's a monster. But I can't shake this feeling when I'm near him. Maybe I love him. Oh god no!
1. Chapter 1

He was almost always there. Watching me from the shadows. Making sure no one took or harmed what was his. He wouldn't let anything hurt me unless it was him. When I ask he says he wants me to be able to fight back. That was how sick and twisted he is. He wants me to be able to attempt to fight him when he wants to pleasure himself. This always makes me laugh. The fact that his logic and thought process was just as flawed as the humans he claimed to be better than. But he still had the gall to put himself at the level of a god.

I can't totally surrender though. He makes sure to give me just enough hope so that when he decides to crush me, he can crush me totally then build me up again. Why did he do this? Because I was his and he could do what he wanted with me. I am a prize he could claim at any time. But even his sick games must me better than death right? Wrong! Envy was the thing that crept in the shadows as I slept. He even invaded my dreams. My whole life centered upon that THING.

Everything about him was inhuman and evil. Sometimes Envy would give me break in between his 'visits'. For what I had no idea. And I dare not ask. When I asked him things he could react differently depending on his mood. The most frequent way he would react is by hitting me and telling me to stay in my place. Another way is him patting my head and calling me his precious pet. Other times he would simply ignore me. Sometimes Envy acted insane and other times calm and collected.

His constant mood swings we're one reason I hadn't tried running away. Plus the fact he could snap me like a twig. I was lucky Envy gave me this much freedom. I was not going to try what little patience he had. Envy was a man that gets what he wants. Everyone is his puppet and plaything. I was just the unlucky human he had found the most interesting.

But I was lucky in some ways. Envy wouldn't kill me. He liked to see me suffer more than anything. How did I know? Within the few months of Envy's first claiming of me I had tried pissing him off on purpose. I had desperately wanted to die back then. It had almost worked a few times. But then Envy would look amused call me his sneaky little fox and stop whatever he was doing. So I had come to the conclusion that although his logic was flawed and he reveled in the feel of blood on his hands. He wouldn't kill me without good reason.

On days more often then I'd like to admit I would still try to kill myself. But then Envy's 'friends' Lust or Gluttony would save me. It was quite sad. And then Envy would come back and say something like 'when I'm done with you. Then you can die'. It was a horrible feeling. Knowing you had the power to end your own pain, yet someone could decide they want you to suffer and bring you back from the sweet brink of death. For this reason I cry myself to sleep each night. Wondering if there was a god at all. I wanted to know what evil thing I had once done to make me deserve this. What any human could ever do to deserve this!

Because of my all too frequent attempts for eternal peace. I had guard a large majority of the time. My favorite guard is Lust. She seemed to actually care about me. I'm not sure if it was possible for a homunculus to love. But she cared for me. She advices me not to do things and sends me warnings when Envy is about to visit again. He would sometimes come before he says he would. Lust told me in advance so I could prepare myself for the days to come. Tonight was one of those nights.

. No noise came from my house. It was so silent it scared me. The darkness wrapped around my room. I didn't feel like turning the light on. It would soon be off anyway. I started humming my favorite song brushing my curly purple hair softly. I wanted to prolong Envy as long as I can.

I could tell he was watching me. The fear gnawing away at my insides warned me of his presence. Oh yes, I knew he was watching me right now. From where I wasn't sure. It could be the windows or the darkest places in the room. Places where the gentle flicker of my candle's light couldn't reach.

I was growing tired of his stupid games. I just wanted to get this over with. I close my eyes trying to remember something that might make him reveal himself. I open my vanity table's drawer slowly searching for a ribbon.

I jump in surprise as a pale white hand grabs my own rosy colored one. I replace my face with a look of boredom and indifference. As I look up to the mirror I shiver, I can see Envy behind me looking as evil and demonic as ever. His other hand shuts the drawer and spins my chair around.

"You know I like your hair down darling." Envy grins pinching my cheek hard.

He was trying to teach me a lesson. He wanted me to be obedient. He had told me many times to keep my hair down. I however liked my hair up. We had been 'fighting' about this for nearly 3 months. Envy didn't think it was bad enough to truly punish me. Even if he tried to it wouldn't get much of a reaction. I was mostly a human shell now. The only thing that made me feel emotion was being close to death.

"Not surprised this time eh Aneko?" He laughs.

"Not at all." I say staring past him out the window.

I could see snow fall to the ground softly. My eyes trail back to Envy's face. His eyes now hold a look of minor annoyance. Since I don't want him to be too rough I decide to please him.

"You know as well as I do that I can feel you when you're watching me." I sigh.

"Well then are you ready?" He asks his face being pulled into his trademark grin of evil.

He would take me whether I was ready or not. I don't know why he even asked. Maybe it was another sick thing he took joy in.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I grumble darkly standing from my chair.

I try to walk past him but I'm not surprised when he simply grabs my wrist. I narrow my eyes as I feel his cold lips connect with my neck. I tilt my head to the side despite my disgust. He was not in the mood for me to fight him today. His arms snake around my waist as he lifts me up. His lips never leaving my neck. I only got mild pleasure from anything he did. My hatred for him prevented that. I had always planned to lose my virginity to someone I loved. I lost mine to someone I hate.

I swallow as he sits on the bed. Still holding me bridal style in his arms. Right now he was holding me in a way that one would hold a glass doll. I close my eyes thinking of a place where Envy is dead. I escaped to a dream world when this happened. I feel myself being shifted about before I'm placed in Envy's lap.

"Enjoying it this time?" He asks. I crack my eyes open to stare at him blankly.

"It will be easier if you just give up." He mumbles trailing his hands up and down my sides. "But then again you wouldn't be so interesting." Envy laughs tearing my shirt.

In response I just lay my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes tightly. Wishing way the feeling of shame and disgust at myself. Why did he do this to me?


	2. Chapter 2

My forehead rests against the cold window. Every breath I exhaled caused fog to form. I tried to walk past the windows when it snows. Longing burned at my insides as I watched each individual snow flake fall to the ground until they all merged to make the world white and pure. I remember a time when I would run through the snow playing with my three little sisters. I was always particularly sad at this time of year. I would always think of my family, my home town.

Whenever I closed my eyes I'm taunted by the memory of Lucy. Oh how I missed her and the others. We would be racing home from school at this time of day. She would always beat me home. Then she would gloat about it for hours. It used to annoy me to no end. But now it brought tears of joy to my eyes.

My memories have been my hiding place ever since Envy came. Without them I would have surely lost my mind by now. But I had to wonder if that would be a bad thing at all. I would be stuck in a place of madness, but Envy wouldn't be able to truly harm me there. He'd only be able to try. But I know from experience that you can't destroy a broken person. For what else is there left to break?

My mind flitted back to memories of my Mum. She was sitting in my Father's favorite chair. Her hands would occasionally move but her eyes stayed dead. After Daddy died she went into a deep depression, leaving me to care for Nancy, Lucy and Megan all by myself.

A sharp feeling of guilt and shame pierced my heart. The memory was so painfully vivid and life-like I swear I was there again. I was that scared helpless twelve-year-old watching her Mother mumble gibberish to herself, wondering what would become of her remaining family.

I had resented my Mother after Dad passed away. I didn't think it was fair that she could just leave us to fend for ourselves. It was selfish of her to retreat into her own little world. Even if that world was full of sorrow and grieve. She had left all responsibilities to me. I had to become a Mother, Father, provider and sister to my younger siblings.

The responsibility was sudden and soul crushing. Because I had to realized I was totally alone. That the fate of my entire family was in my hands. There was no time to adjust or heal. Any pain I was feeling had to be forgotten. I had to be strong for my sisters. Especially little Nancy, she was the youngest of us all.

Being only four she couldn't grasp the concept of death. Every morning she would walk down those stairs on her chubby little toddler feet and ask if Daddy was home today. It broke my heart to pieces.

Looking back on those bad days now I was grateful. I had endured so much when I was young that, I was tough as nails by the time I was eighteen. My past is what made me strong enough to with stand my new current reality. And this one was far worse than anything that had ever happened.

"What are you looking at?" My gaze settles on Gluttony.

My face takes on a softer look as I pet his head. Even though he was just as bad as the others. Even though he had taken just as many lives as Envy I held no form of anger towards him. It was impossible, because he reminded me of a baby. He ran on instinct. He had no true views of right and wrong. All he knew was what people told him.

"I'm looking at the snow." I say.

"Why?" Gluttony asks in that innocent curious way.

"Because it reminds me of my past." I say patiently.

"How?" He always asks questions I never mind though.

It was nice to have a conversation that wasn't twisted, sick or in any way adult. I liked having these talks with him they we're always so simple. All his question are things that can be easily answered if someone takes the time to answer them. Only Lust and I would indulge Gluttony in this simple pleasure.

His eyes seem to never stop shining with curiosity. His hunger for answers was just as great as his hunger for food. He was like a child filled to the brim with a unsatisfiable urge to learn. He reminds me of my Megan she was 9 when Dad died.

She was an alchemist, just like Dad. His death only fueled her quest for knowledge further. But her set of questions was only in a small range. The only one she ever asked or tried to solve after he died was how to perform human transmutation. I never encouraged her on her journey. After all only a fool would try something like that. No one had ever performed it and lived. She never got the chance to do it though. She died a year after he did, passed away in her sleep with a peaceful look on her face.

My Mother never seemed to acknowledge the loss of her daughter. After Dad died she scarcely acknowledged anything if she didn't have too. Then I remember Gluttony is waiting for an answer.

"Because some of my favorite memories happened on during snow." I say.

"But you never stare out the window this long when it snows." He says placing a finger to his lip.

"Today is a special day." I say simply.

Removing my hand from his head I move it too close the heavy curtains. I no longer wished to re visit the past. It would only make me want my freedom. Freedom that I would never have again. It was stupid to dream of things that wouldn't happen.

Gluttony seemed to sense I didn't feel like talking anymore. I lean my head forward and take in deep breaths. The curtain smelled extremely musty and for a second I wonder when the last time I washed them was. I then shrug not really caring. The only thing I really do is read, cook and wash my clothes.

At first I had tried cleaning to keep my mind off the horror my life had become. But I eventually gave up when I realized it didn't work. Envy now hires or kidnaps some girl to clean the house. It gave me a temporary human companion. He'd either kill or have Gluttony eat them after a week or two.

After the first one died I tried warning the next three. But they always confronted Envy about it fearing for my sanity. He would kill them immediately and then punish me. I never get attached to them anymore.

Now my time was taken up by reading or taking long walks in the garden. Lust would always bring me new books. Not that I needed them. The library this house has is huge. I've been here for three years and have read nothing at all compared to the number I haven't.

I often write poetry to get my feelings out. Lust and I would spar together to keep my skills sharp. And occasionally we'd go for walks outside the manors high, prison like walls. The rest of my time was spent on the roof (Supervised of course. Envy wouldn't have me jumping and killing myself.).

"Where is Lust?" I ask walking down the hall.

The sound on Gluttony's heavy form pounding after me. He was never silent around me, although he could be. But I had told him long ago it freaked me out. It made me think of the times before he had become my friend. When I was just another piece of food he wanted to gobble up. I shiver remembering waking up with his head inches away from my face, as he stared at me with drool dribbling down his chin. I was very glad we had left that part of our relationship behind.

"In her room." He says.

At his words I turn left down the smaller split off hall. After passing several doors I reach the one with a silver plaque on it. The plaque read room 21. I had come here often in the middle of the night plagued by nightmares. Lust always understands my fears and dreams. She tells me they're stupid but she understands them.

I lift my hand to knock on the solid oak door. The small knock rings through the empty hall like a gunshot. The sound of rustling can be heard from inside the room. The noise stops before Lust's low and sultry voice rings clear.

"Come in."

My hand twists the knob and pushes. I have to squint my eyes to adjust from the dim lighting in the hall to her bright room. My eyes give said room a cursory glance. It looked perfect, just how Lust likes things. She hates a mess, liking everything to be where she left it. This attitude also applied to her line of work. She despised things to not be orderly. Which is why she forces Envy to get two maids before she even steps foot in the house.

Lust herself sat in front of her vanity applying lipstick. She always looked like she was going out to a evening party. She loathes plain things, like my room and clothes. But I like simple yet pretty.

We never really see eye to eye. Our friendship is based off of secrets and desires (mostly mine.). Desires we'd never dare to tell anyone but each other. So I suppose we also have a deep sense of trust. Well at least I have a deep sense of trust in her. You can never really tell with a homunculus.

Plus Lust was every bit as manipulative and deceitful as Envy. But she treated me like she does Gluttony, maybe more of a younger sister then her child. Although this could just be some kind of ploy. But what could she possibly gain from me?

I was an okay alchemist. But I haven't done it since my capture. So I was more than a bit rusty. I was an exceptional hand to hand combat fighter (I could hold my own against her) but not much else.

I was human and she hates Humans. You'd think she'd also hate me. But as they say they're is an exception to every rule. When we we're alone she seems very fond of me. So fond in fact she might be sad when I die. She shows me pity for the things I've had to go through. And after Envy has had his fun with me and left she comforts me (In her own way.).

Sometimes I'd be a mess falling apart at the mere mention of his name. And other times I'd be hard as a rock refusing to break. Because that would be letting me win. Lust has told me before that I'm not as weak as other humans. That most would have broken with all the hardship.

I've stopped trying to see what Lust likes about me. I've just accepted our odd companionship.

After double checking to make sure her lipstick is perfect she looks at me. But only for a moment because she then looks back at her mirror. Now beginning to fix her hair. I don't see why she wasted time on it since it was already so perfect.

"Did you have any actual reason for coming here?" She asks sounding bored.

"Not really I guess I just wanted to see a friendly face." I shrug.

"_Humans_." She sighs. The tone was somewhat exasperated.

I found myself secretly agreeing with her. We are stupid, but so we're Homunculus. They caused just as much destruction, they took joy in the chaos they could create. How could they be any better than us? After all each one of they're most basic emotion is one of the 7 things that make us so stupid. Greed clouds judgment. Envy brews hatred. Pride makes people do things just to prove they can. It's horrible but somehow they still believed they we're better.

Physically they could beat us. They had the power to destroy us. But then who would be left to fear them? Fear was like worship to them, praising them for the control they had. If only they we're left they'd soon get bored. After all what would eternity with no entertainment be like? And when it came down to it the one thing Homunculus lack that makes Humans strong is hope. It might mess with your sense of reality but it helps you keep going. That's how Humans keep living through their pain. I wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for hope.

"You can't live with them and you can't live without them." I say giving a laugh at my secret joke.

Lust shoots me a puzzled look. A look that demanded a explanation. But I just shrug my shoulder and make my way over to the bed. I sink into the covers with a dreamy sigh. I love her bed it felt like a cloud. Sometimes I would sleep in here. Usually after Envy would leave, it was too painful to sleep in that bed.

It didn't matter if Lust was here or not. Sleeping in her bed was like a pain pill. Maybe it was because it made me feel close to the only thing I could call family. She is one of the few remaining people that still cared for me. Or burdened themselves with the task to pretend they care. I had grown up with pretenders and liars. What difference did it make to be around them now?

"What's wrong with you Aneko?" She asks.

I feel the bed shift as Lust sits down. I hadn't heard her move but that was normal. Unless she wanted to be heard she couldn't be. She was graceful, beautiful and dangerous. Like a wild cat ready to pounce at any given moment. You'd never see it coming. I shiver thinking of what it must be like to be one of Lust's unfortunate victim. Being shredded to pieces by her claws.

"The usual crap, but as I said just wanted to see a friendly face." I laugh.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" She asks.

I immediately sit up. My mood brightened considerably at the chance of going outside. I wasn't permitted to leave the mansion without being accompanied. If there was any thing I had hated more than being captured was not being allowed outside. I love nature and to be kept away from it was torture.

Even being in the gorgeous gardens isn't the same as walking through the forest. The really sad part is I'm surrounded by forest. I know because I've gone to one of the towers and saw over the gate. I often go up there when I'm sad and there is a break between guards. I would just look down at the world and wonder why I deserved this. And even if it wasn't a punishment what was the purpose of it all? It seemed to just be some really cruel twist of fate.

"Here put on this." She says handing me a heavy fur jacket from the coat wrack next to her bed.

For a moment I wonder how many animals went into it before slipping it on. Having it on inside her room felt like summer. A fire was blazing in the fireplace so it was unbearably hot with it on. I calmly make my way over to the door and hold it open as Lust exits.

I take Lust's gloved hand as we walk back out in the hall. Gluttony is sitting on the left of the door. He looked like a puppy waiting for it's master. This thought is heavily reinforced by how excited he gets when he sees Lust. If he had a tail it would most definitely be wagging.

"Come on Gluttony we're going outside." In less than a blink of an eye Gluttony is trailing behind us in a very obedient fashion. I let out another giggle.

We finally get to the heavy oak doors and with seemingly no effort Lust pushes them open. They we're heavy and required a lot of energy but I could open them if I want. I no because I had tried escaping at one point. I never tried again because the physical punishment was horrifying. Just the memory of that pain is enough to give you nightmares. I have the scars on my back as a nice little reminder just in case I forget one day. Fat chance that'll happen.

Anyways they don't even lock the door anymore. And if they do it's to keep others out not too trap me in. They know I won't try going anywhere. Because I know they'll hunt me down and maybe even kill me. But that depends on how Envy's mood is that day. Lust may or may not help them. If she did I know it's nothing personal. She's just sticking with her 'siblings'. And Gluttony does what people tell him to do with minimal thought behind it. I would never be angry with him.

The court yard is like a beautiful little snow globe. It was that perfect. Not a single thing seemed to be out of place. I played around the garden. Me and Gluttony stuck out our tongues to catch the snow . And I had convinced Lust into lowering herself to a snowball fight. Overall it was a good day. But soon it would be followed by Envy coming back. And there would be no peace for me when that happens.


End file.
